I try and visit my grandmother or take her on little outings as much as possible. She is 82 years old, grew up in the deep south and considers Obama's election "The browning of America". She refers to the people at her retirement community as "the old folks", but doesn't label herself the same. She speaks with the thickest southern drawl' I have ever heard. About 7 years ago she moved back up north to be closer to us. She was getting older and not having anyone around her made it impossible for her to get anywhere. She is one of the funniest people I have ever met. She is so stuck her ways, I now see why my father is the way he is.
Whenever I am with her she always asks me about work. She just cant wrap her head around the fact that I work with disabled children. The other day I went over to her retirement community that she lives in. She was sitting with a few other old ladies holding court. My grandmother introduced me these woman for about the 43 time. As she introduces me she says "This is my granddaughter, she works with the cripples". Wait...wait...wait a minute here. Cripples? Since when do I work with people who suffered polio in 1926? Do people even use this word anymore? I am pretty sure we refer to such people has handicapped, am I right? So now I am cracking up to the point, I have to excuse myself to the bathroom to re-gain my composure. I return to the group of young ladies and attempt to explain what it is I exactly do. I go through the whole schpeal about my program is a life skills program, i.e. we teach these children skills that will help them to live an independent life and be a functioning part of society. So my grandmothers sidekick stares at me for a second, and then says "So you work with the retarded"? Wow, I just ranted for a good 21 minutes about autism and the disability and she got "retarded" out of that. At that point I gave up and made a mental note to tell my grandmother I got a new job as a librarian, you cant get more straightforward than that.
Now let me tell you folks, it isnt just my grandmother and her gaggle of homies that think this way. I recently went on a field trip with my students to a state park overlooking Manhattan and Statue of Liberty. As the short bus pulled up I noticed a group of elderly folk sitting on a park bench and cringed. Of course they were sitting right next to the bathrooms, our first stop on any trip. Of course the doors fly open and my students run off the bus like "One flew over the Cuckoos Nest" with me and my two assistants running after them screaming "Quiet Feet!". We finally get the kids back together in some sort of semblance, my assistants and I grab our "partners" and head towards the bathroom. The entire time this clusterfuck of action is going on I keep an eye on the elderly people. They looked scared, like someone just told them that prunes are not extinct. Oh did I mention I have only male students and my staff, including myself is all female, just a sidebar. So we go to the mens room, I knock, open the door and yell "Anyone in here!" (I always remember to do this now on account of I forgot to once and walked in on a man peeing and he was horrified and peed all over himself). Coast was clear so we loaded the troops in. Now the toileting is an interesting thing, since I am not a male I do not know exactly what the courtesy is when using a urinal so I urge my students to use the stalls. Of course there is only 1 so now we are faced with the problem of how we make our students wait to use the bathroom when half of them already have their pants around there ankles shuffeling around touching every fucking thing in the bathroom. "Quiet hands, do not touch a thing or else your going to get diphtheria!" Like they even know what diphtheria is, hell I dont even know what it is but my mother use to tell me and my sister this so I assume its something bad. Or made up to scare us from touching anything in a public place. So we finish our bathroom stuff, which takes about 30 minutes. As we walk out I try not to make eye contact with ANY of the old people sitting directly across from the men's bathroom. I could only imagine what they were thought about some of the things they heard coming from the bathroom. So I try and pick up our pace to our destination, the playground. However this was not to be the case, I hear from the left of me "Miss, Miss! Can I ask you a question". My parents always taught me to respect my elders so instead of ignoring them I answer: "Me, are you talking to me?" Hoping they were not. The old man wearing a hat that said "WWII veteran" signals for me to come over. So I give my assistants the nod to let the maniacs head over to the playground and I walk slower than shit over to them. "Yes, can I help you". The old man looks at me and goes "Are those kids retarded?" . Here we go again. "Well, we don't use that word, they have Autism. Mentally disabled if you will." Baffled, he looks at me and his cronies and then and says "Its a goddamn shame those kids, back in my day you never saw those type of things. And they didnt have fancy names for it either, this artistic you speak of, did you make that word up?" As much as I wanted continue this conversation I politely excused myself from the conversation and said I had to get back to my students.I can only imagine what they were thinking watching my students running around on that playground. My students are not little kids. The are full grown boys trying to fit down a slide meant for a 40lb 7 year old. As we were leaving I noticed I was getting the stank eye from them so I made my students go over, shake their hands and say goodbye. I think may have shit their depends.
So in essence, the mentally challenged and elderly just do not mix. Like oil and vinegar, Capulets and Montagues, or Republicans and Liberals. Nothing good comes out of these coagulating together. Only problem is, there is not way separate the two...so my life's work continues.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Things you thought you'd never say at work
Its funny, at work I catch myself saying things to my students and I think "Really, is this my life". Ive had an interesting few years being a special education teacher. Some of the shit I have to say to my students is so ridiculous I just have to share them. So, here are things I would have never imagined I would have to say at a job:
"We cannot peak at our friends while they go to the bathroom, Do you want the police to come"
"Do we pick our nose and eat it in this classroom?!"
"We don't touch ourselves there in school, thats home stuff" (In reference to my student masturbating at his desk"
"It is not appropriate to scream SPERM WHALE in Mcdonalds"
"We do poopies in the potty not in our pants"
"You cant eat your poop!"
"We cannot kiss random pieces of garbage we find on the ground!"
"What did I tell you about stealing your fathers car keys and wallet!"
"You cannot steal food from other people in a restaurant!"
"We dont hug or kiss our friends, we shake hands"
"Do we speak to our teachers like that ?" (After my student asked me if I liked 'b'-enis (penis), jager and cigerettes)"
"You take your shoe off one more time I am taking home"
"If you dont get off the computer I am throwing it out the window"
"You cant take your pants off halfway down the hallway! You go into the bathroom stall and take your pants off!"
"Mommy told me you spray painted "South Park DVD" on the walls, do you think that was appropriate?"
"You cannot hit your mother because she met you at the bus, do you want the police to come!?"
"Use you words"
"You need a quiet mouth and hands"
"You cant eat food off the floor!"
"Farting is bathroom stuff!"
"Stop! You cannot drink out of the toilet bowl like your cat does!"
"Tell your mother you need to take a shower tonight"
"Ok here is the toilet paper, WIPE, now let me see it"
"Ok do poopies, push...look at my face push" (As I make a constipated face as if I am shitting my pants)
"Do you want to earn the good-boy hat?"
"You cant do that, what is wrong with you!" (Uhh duhh they have Autism!)
These are just a few off the top of my head
"We cannot peak at our friends while they go to the bathroom, Do you want the police to come"
"Do we pick our nose and eat it in this classroom?!"
"We don't touch ourselves there in school, thats home stuff" (In reference to my student masturbating at his desk"
"It is not appropriate to scream SPERM WHALE in Mcdonalds"
"We do poopies in the potty not in our pants"
"You cant eat your poop!"
"We cannot kiss random pieces of garbage we find on the ground!"
"What did I tell you about stealing your fathers car keys and wallet!"
"You cannot steal food from other people in a restaurant!"
"We dont hug or kiss our friends, we shake hands"
"Do we speak to our teachers like that ?" (After my student asked me if I liked 'b'-enis (penis), jager and cigerettes)"
"You take your shoe off one more time I am taking home"
"If you dont get off the computer I am throwing it out the window"
"You cant take your pants off halfway down the hallway! You go into the bathroom stall and take your pants off!"
"Mommy told me you spray painted "South Park DVD" on the walls, do you think that was appropriate?"
"You cannot hit your mother because she met you at the bus, do you want the police to come!?"
"Use you words"
"You need a quiet mouth and hands"
"You cant eat food off the floor!"
"Farting is bathroom stuff!"
"Stop! You cannot drink out of the toilet bowl like your cat does!"
"Tell your mother you need to take a shower tonight"
"Ok here is the toilet paper, WIPE, now let me see it"
"Ok do poopies, push...look at my face push" (As I make a constipated face as if I am shitting my pants)
"Do you want to earn the good-boy hat?"
"You cant do that, what is wrong with you!" (Uhh duhh they have Autism!)
These are just a few off the top of my head
Monday, February 23, 2009
Allow me to introduce ME....
Well let me first introduce myself and explain why I created this blog....
I am 26 years old on the verge of 27 and still live with my parents in New Jersey; and single to boot. Yes, I understand that its high time I stop spending my money on weekend benders and get a place of my own. Trust me I am fully aware of this; its in the works so LAY OFF ME! So as I was saying, yes I still live with my parents, my mother still cleans my room and goes through all my shit like I am 15 year old high school drop out with a meth addiction when I go away on the weekends. Both my parents are equally annoying in their own way. For example when I go to work (I leave before everyone) my mother feels it necessary to take all my clothes, shoes, magazines, pocketbooks (I know i am going to get shit for using that word) that are littering my floor and throw it all on my bed. I guess she wants me to clean my room? So as you can tell my mother suffers from some sort of psychotic disease, but alas, we cannot just condone my mother for all the extra announces. My father is equally annoying. For example he insists on asking the same questions 34873 times. He still insists on knowing my whereabouts at all times. I am 27 and hold a full time job, I'm pretty sure we are past the the idea of me turning tricks to buy pot. Anyway, Enough about them and back to ME...
I went to a little private college in Western Massachusetts where I managed to drink and smoke way to much. I made the best friends a girl could ever dream of and most likely shed 10 years off my life at the same time. The benders would last for days and our apartments were always shitholes. We were stoned 95% of the day and when the housing lottery came around one year, we were informed that we were "...the dumbest girls at the school" and would be the last to pick housing. I.E. shitty housing. I earned a degree in English literature and a minor in Elem. Education. What they failed to mention at my graduation was that this little degree that cost my parents $150,000 does not give you and street cred. So while I was busy taking classes such as "The Art of Hand Papermaking" my fellow classmates where taking classes that would actually help them in their future endevours. So as a graduating memeber of the class of 2004 I was faced with the question "What the fuck am I going to do when I graduate". I mean I always new I wanted to be a teacher, but I felt it was better to not go forward with all of the procedures to get a Massachusetts Teaching Certification because the testing and student teaching interfered with my pot smoking and partying schedule. A family friend recommended I apply for a Teaching Position at a school for teenagers with Autism. 5 minutes before the interview I realized I wasnt applying for a job at a school for "Artistic" students, but rather "Autistic" students. There is a big difference if you don't know. Google it if you don't believe me.
So this is where I am, 5 years later still teaching children with Autism. I now have 3 gray hairs and I have to take xananx. I drink way to much coffee which inturn makes me addicted to tylenol pm. I leave work and do not put the radio on, instead I usuall debate with myself whether to drive my car into a tree or just go to the gym. If teaching from 9-3 wasnt enough, I also tutor 4 days a week. Which by tuesday makes me salvate for vodka. So this is reasoning why I decided create this blog. I thought to myself, "why not share my mishaps at work, educate the world on what it really means to be a teacher." Somedays my posts will about whats going on in my life, how my recent bender worked out, my family and friends. Other times it will be about how I had to clean out dingle berries off my 12 yr old or how I spend 85% of my day in the boys bathroom. I do want to stress the fact that in now way am I ridiculing any of my student or autism. Autism is a serious problem effecting many American families. Rather this blog is to make light of the shit I deal with on a day to day basis, a way to laugh off the my day if you will. In this line of work you have to sometimes just laugh at your situation. If you don't, you will end up in a straight jacket at your local state psych ward.
And Just for shits and giggles:
Fun Facts About Me:
1. I had a dance of with Ruthie from real world
2. I can do the worm, which often happens at about 1:30 am on a dirty bar floor with my friends clearing the area and getting the whole bars attention by screaming "Everyone, Everyone move my friend can do the worm!"
3. I loathe people that use the words "hehe" in an email/IM/text
4.I didn't vote for Obama and I am proud of it.
5. I met Chad Michael Murray and he is the biggest douchebag in the world
6. I have more cousins then the Kennedy's
7. I had my car stolen in college. I drove around for 3 months with a vial of crack under the passenger seat. I guess the nice people who stole it wanted to leave me something for my troubles.
8. I can sing a mean version of Tina Turners "Proud Mary"
9. I always get drunk and sing my version of "Proud Mary" at every family function (weddings, communions, funerals, etc.)
10. I am a white girl, however I can rap to most of Biggie's songs.
11. I took a date to a wedding where him and I managed to spend $50 on open bar. As the wedding was winding down, the open bar lead to my date breaking his foot. He then lost his job and had to move to Arizona.
12. My college boyfriend had adult braces.
13. When I see my college friends we drink excessively and someone usually ends up hurt.
14. My dogs breath smells worse than her ass, she also suffers a humping problem.
15.I talk to my best friend, aka besticle over 1,000 minutes a month on the phone.
I am 26 years old on the verge of 27 and still live with my parents in New Jersey; and single to boot. Yes, I understand that its high time I stop spending my money on weekend benders and get a place of my own. Trust me I am fully aware of this; its in the works so LAY OFF ME! So as I was saying, yes I still live with my parents, my mother still cleans my room and goes through all my shit like I am 15 year old high school drop out with a meth addiction when I go away on the weekends. Both my parents are equally annoying in their own way. For example when I go to work (I leave before everyone) my mother feels it necessary to take all my clothes, shoes, magazines, pocketbooks (I know i am going to get shit for using that word) that are littering my floor and throw it all on my bed. I guess she wants me to clean my room? So as you can tell my mother suffers from some sort of psychotic disease, but alas, we cannot just condone my mother for all the extra announces. My father is equally annoying. For example he insists on asking the same questions 34873 times. He still insists on knowing my whereabouts at all times. I am 27 and hold a full time job, I'm pretty sure we are past the the idea of me turning tricks to buy pot. Anyway, Enough about them and back to ME...
I went to a little private college in Western Massachusetts where I managed to drink and smoke way to much. I made the best friends a girl could ever dream of and most likely shed 10 years off my life at the same time. The benders would last for days and our apartments were always shitholes. We were stoned 95% of the day and when the housing lottery came around one year, we were informed that we were "...the dumbest girls at the school" and would be the last to pick housing. I.E. shitty housing. I earned a degree in English literature and a minor in Elem. Education. What they failed to mention at my graduation was that this little degree that cost my parents $150,000 does not give you and street cred. So while I was busy taking classes such as "The Art of Hand Papermaking" my fellow classmates where taking classes that would actually help them in their future endevours. So as a graduating memeber of the class of 2004 I was faced with the question "What the fuck am I going to do when I graduate". I mean I always new I wanted to be a teacher, but I felt it was better to not go forward with all of the procedures to get a Massachusetts Teaching Certification because the testing and student teaching interfered with my pot smoking and partying schedule. A family friend recommended I apply for a Teaching Position at a school for teenagers with Autism. 5 minutes before the interview I realized I wasnt applying for a job at a school for "Artistic" students, but rather "Autistic" students. There is a big difference if you don't know. Google it if you don't believe me.
So this is where I am, 5 years later still teaching children with Autism. I now have 3 gray hairs and I have to take xananx. I drink way to much coffee which inturn makes me addicted to tylenol pm. I leave work and do not put the radio on, instead I usuall debate with myself whether to drive my car into a tree or just go to the gym. If teaching from 9-3 wasnt enough, I also tutor 4 days a week. Which by tuesday makes me salvate for vodka. So this is reasoning why I decided create this blog. I thought to myself, "why not share my mishaps at work, educate the world on what it really means to be a teacher." Somedays my posts will about whats going on in my life, how my recent bender worked out, my family and friends. Other times it will be about how I had to clean out dingle berries off my 12 yr old or how I spend 85% of my day in the boys bathroom. I do want to stress the fact that in now way am I ridiculing any of my student or autism. Autism is a serious problem effecting many American families. Rather this blog is to make light of the shit I deal with on a day to day basis, a way to laugh off the my day if you will. In this line of work you have to sometimes just laugh at your situation. If you don't, you will end up in a straight jacket at your local state psych ward.
And Just for shits and giggles:
Fun Facts About Me:
1. I had a dance of with Ruthie from real world
2. I can do the worm, which often happens at about 1:30 am on a dirty bar floor with my friends clearing the area and getting the whole bars attention by screaming "Everyone, Everyone move my friend can do the worm!"
3. I loathe people that use the words "hehe" in an email/IM/text
4.I didn't vote for Obama and I am proud of it.
5. I met Chad Michael Murray and he is the biggest douchebag in the world
6. I have more cousins then the Kennedy's
7. I had my car stolen in college. I drove around for 3 months with a vial of crack under the passenger seat. I guess the nice people who stole it wanted to leave me something for my troubles.
8. I can sing a mean version of Tina Turners "Proud Mary"
9. I always get drunk and sing my version of "Proud Mary" at every family function (weddings, communions, funerals, etc.)
10. I am a white girl, however I can rap to most of Biggie's songs.
11. I took a date to a wedding where him and I managed to spend $50 on open bar. As the wedding was winding down, the open bar lead to my date breaking his foot. He then lost his job and had to move to Arizona.
12. My college boyfriend had adult braces.
13. When I see my college friends we drink excessively and someone usually ends up hurt.
14. My dogs breath smells worse than her ass, she also suffers a humping problem.
15.I talk to my best friend, aka besticle over 1,000 minutes a month on the phone.
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