I have to apologize for my absence the past few weeks. Blame in on the p-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-t-t-t-t-t-t. Yes, I re-kindled my love affair with the sticky icky, my beloved friend Mary Jane. I had broken up with Mary a few years ago. I sat her down, with tears in my eyes I told her "To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left". As you could imagine she didn't take it to well. She became angry with me and yelled at me standing in my front yard telling me how I'm such a fool. But she just couldn't understand that I had to sever our relationship, it was time to get a-stepping. I even made her a collage of all the fun times we had together in college and mix tapes to remember our "rides" together. As I watched Ms. Mary Jane from the window hittin' the road, she turned and looked at me with a clenched fist and yelled "YOU'LL BE BACK!!!". Yeah right I thought to myself, Immmaaa do me, Immmaa do me Mary Jane!
Well it turns out my 5 year hiatus has come to an end. Living with my cousins has reintroduced me to the game. I couldn't help it, Mary just called out to me and everything I did to fight her off went to shit. She broke me, beat me down. Now I lay here with Mary all up in my head. So you can blame her for me not writing lately. Instead of writing something funny and witty about my shit-filled day, I have been tag-teaming Ms. Mary with my cousins and then playing rock band like a fucking high school student. I actually celebrated 420 at 4:20 for the first time in 5 years. I felt dirty and alive at the same time. I am, however not trying to let Mary Jane run my life as much as she did in college. In college Mary Jane and I spent 90% of the day together. I ran my entire daily schedule around her. But not this time. It is apparent that I need her in my life, but I am not going to allow her to run it like she has in the past. I am going to wear the pants in this relationship for the first time and I feel alive!
On a lighter note....
So we are having our first full blown party today. We invited over 200 people and only 35 responded. Isnt that a little douchey? I mean when you get a facebook invitation, isnt it common courtesy to respond whether or not you are coming. I thank all of the people that responded with a yes/no/maybe-so. But these douches that have no responded, wtf mate?! Is it that you are just to lazy? Are you trying to see if something better comes along that night (which it goddamn isnt), or going to show up w/out responded so we run out of food. Is anyone else with me on this one? How are is it to just sat "yes I am coming" or "No go f yourself, I would never come to your place". Anywhoooo, wish us luck that we a) do not burn the house down and b) I do not have to give out hand jobs to the local police department in order to not get arrested. Adios!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Loser...
Loser: slang. a misfit. someone who has never or seldom been successful at a job, personal relationship, etc.
Loser, that is exactly what my student called me the last day of work before spring break. He got all pissy because I would not allow him to watch Hannaha Montana aka slutbag Miley Cyrus youtube videos and sing along. I do not feel this warranted his little tantrum and the verbal abuse that ensued. Let me set the scene...
(Names have been changed)
Me: Listen, Timmy if you are going to stay on the computer you need a quiet mouth, no singing I am trying to read to Billy.
Timmy: Ahhhh come onnnnnnnnnnn. I willlllllllllllllll!
Me: Oh no you wont, sing one more time and you are off the computer.
(1 min goes by)
Timmy: ...."You get the best of both worlds mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds..."
Me: Ok enough, off the computer!
Timmy: Ahhhhhhhh commmmmmeeeeee onnnnn!!!!!
He proceeds to get up and under his breath say "Loser". He sits in his seat and begins to talk to himself. It is not very often that I am at a loss of words.
Me:What did you just say?!
Timmy: Nothing....
Now I am ice-grilling him and out of the corner of his rec-specs he says
Timmy: Loser.
Me: Is that appropriate! You cannot use that language when speaking to your teachers! That is it, no more computer for the rest of the day!!!
Timmy: I will be inappropriate! I willlllllllllllll go on the computer!
This bickering back and forth went on for a few minutes until I had to ignore and he finally piped down and started his work. I was so shocked by this. I mean I know he has no clue as to word means, he prob heard it on some BET youtube video he watched. But still I was kind of hurt. I mean I almost cried. HELLOO why did I let this kid get to me, I wasnt even PMS'ing! I felt like such an a-hole; I mean an autistic child just called me a loser and I am on the verge of tears! I later gave him another stern talking to with my angry teacher face. He then began crying and apologizing. I felt bad for about 5 seconds and then realized he called me a loser and I was way over it.
So that is how my last day of work ended before a week off from the craziness. Here I am, its Wednesday and I have not left my couch except to smoke a butt, pee and eat an occasional something. Maybe I am a loser. I mean I am 27 and have been for the better part of the day, worthless. Where is my life going? I haven't really been successful in any relationship with a boyfriend in, well forever. But then I think, well I would rather be doing this then elbow deep in baby shit trying to run a household. I havent been worthless all week. I still tutored and cleaned so you know what...FUCK YOU TIMMY! I hope it rained everyday in Orlando for your little family trip. Too far?
That is all for now, later betches!
Loser, that is exactly what my student called me the last day of work before spring break. He got all pissy because I would not allow him to watch Hannaha Montana aka slutbag Miley Cyrus youtube videos and sing along. I do not feel this warranted his little tantrum and the verbal abuse that ensued. Let me set the scene...
(Names have been changed)
Me: Listen, Timmy if you are going to stay on the computer you need a quiet mouth, no singing I am trying to read to Billy.
Timmy: Ahhhh come onnnnnnnnnnn. I willlllllllllllllll!
Me: Oh no you wont, sing one more time and you are off the computer.
(1 min goes by)
Timmy: ...."You get the best of both worlds mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds..."
Me: Ok enough, off the computer!
Timmy: Ahhhhhhhh commmmmmeeeeee onnnnn!!!!!
He proceeds to get up and under his breath say "Loser". He sits in his seat and begins to talk to himself. It is not very often that I am at a loss of words.
Me:What did you just say?!
Timmy: Nothing....
Now I am ice-grilling him and out of the corner of his rec-specs he says
Timmy: Loser.
Me: Is that appropriate! You cannot use that language when speaking to your teachers! That is it, no more computer for the rest of the day!!!
Timmy: I will be inappropriate! I willlllllllllllll go on the computer!
This bickering back and forth went on for a few minutes until I had to ignore and he finally piped down and started his work. I was so shocked by this. I mean I know he has no clue as to word means, he prob heard it on some BET youtube video he watched. But still I was kind of hurt. I mean I almost cried. HELLOO why did I let this kid get to me, I wasnt even PMS'ing! I felt like such an a-hole; I mean an autistic child just called me a loser and I am on the verge of tears! I later gave him another stern talking to with my angry teacher face. He then began crying and apologizing. I felt bad for about 5 seconds and then realized he called me a loser and I was way over it.
So that is how my last day of work ended before a week off from the craziness. Here I am, its Wednesday and I have not left my couch except to smoke a butt, pee and eat an occasional something. Maybe I am a loser. I mean I am 27 and have been for the better part of the day, worthless. Where is my life going? I haven't really been successful in any relationship with a boyfriend in, well forever. But then I think, well I would rather be doing this then elbow deep in baby shit trying to run a household. I havent been worthless all week. I still tutored and cleaned so you know what...FUCK YOU TIMMY! I hope it rained everyday in Orlando for your little family trip. Too far?
That is all for now, later betches!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Even the Autistic know Chris Brown is DOUCHE
So I am sitting at my desk this afternoon trying to get goals and objectives done for the next year and I overhear a conversation between my student (if you get lost you will end up naked in jail) and my assistant. My student was explaining to my assistant that Chris Brown beat Rhianna. Those were his exact words, "he beat her". He proceeds to say you cant hit people because then you will go to prison. Wow, prison. That is some hardcore shit. How the hell does he know the difference between jail and prison? I recently just learned the difference when my cousin did a stint in jail for overdosing himself on the date-rape drug and beating up an EMT. Jail = less than a year and Prison = more than a year. My student actually made me feel dumb today. But hey at least he knows Chris Brown is a fucknugget. Even an autistic child knows that hitting is wrong, so why not Chris Brown?
On a lighter, non douchebag note...
We are officially moved in. We spent our first weekend at the new house. I have already been referred to as the "electricity Nazi" because I run around behind everyone making sure they are shutting their fucking lights, tvs and computers off when they leave a room. Listen, I am not doing the public service man, SO LAY OFF ME!
We had our first get together on Saturday. It went from, lets just have a few people over to we should just get a keg! So we got a keg and beer pong was a-going. I feel like I am back in college. My two cousins and I are the first ones (out of the cool cousins) that have moved out. So its like a goddamn free-for-all. My cousin already had to buy me a new phone because he roundhouse kicked my phone out of my hand into my cup of beer while doing a dance move in my Tina turner gold lamay pants. These pants have become the biggest hit since cable tv. I have to say, I bet that is the most expensive roundhouse kick my cousin will ever do. It cost him 465.00 because of course 4 months prior to this I dropped my blackberry in a toilet and had to upgrade, extend my contract and sell my first born to not pay out my ass for a new one. Note to self: When Dano is dancing, keep phone and beer out of harms way (holly I know you will be laughing at that little joke). We have also come to another realization. We are functioning alcoholics. We were up at 8:30 as if we didnt finish a keg, a bottle of private stock captain Morgans and a bottle of jack. We had the house cleaned and on our way to breakfast by 9:30. New phone in hand by 11. If that isnt functioning alcoholicness then I dont know what is. I have to admit, I really love living with my cousins. We play jokes on each other, have started a rock band on Wii and have already gotten fall down drunk at our new place. Like I said above, the gold lamay pants were broken out by TWO of my cousins and it was pretty shiteous.
So for your viewing pleasure....
Gold Lamay Running Man
Fancy Shoes
On a lighter, non douchebag note...
We are officially moved in. We spent our first weekend at the new house. I have already been referred to as the "electricity Nazi" because I run around behind everyone making sure they are shutting their fucking lights, tvs and computers off when they leave a room. Listen, I am not doing the public service man, SO LAY OFF ME!
We had our first get together on Saturday. It went from, lets just have a few people over to we should just get a keg! So we got a keg and beer pong was a-going. I feel like I am back in college. My two cousins and I are the first ones (out of the cool cousins) that have moved out. So its like a goddamn free-for-all. My cousin already had to buy me a new phone because he roundhouse kicked my phone out of my hand into my cup of beer while doing a dance move in my Tina turner gold lamay pants. These pants have become the biggest hit since cable tv. I have to say, I bet that is the most expensive roundhouse kick my cousin will ever do. It cost him 465.00 because of course 4 months prior to this I dropped my blackberry in a toilet and had to upgrade, extend my contract and sell my first born to not pay out my ass for a new one. Note to self: When Dano is dancing, keep phone and beer out of harms way (holly I know you will be laughing at that little joke). We have also come to another realization. We are functioning alcoholics. We were up at 8:30 as if we didnt finish a keg, a bottle of private stock captain Morgans and a bottle of jack. We had the house cleaned and on our way to breakfast by 9:30. New phone in hand by 11. If that isnt functioning alcoholicness then I dont know what is. I have to admit, I really love living with my cousins. We play jokes on each other, have started a rock band on Wii and have already gotten fall down drunk at our new place. Like I said above, the gold lamay pants were broken out by TWO of my cousins and it was pretty shiteous.
So for your viewing pleasure....
Gold Lamay Running Man
Fancy Shoes
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