Reasons Why I Am Single....

So its becoming more and more evident that there is a good possibility I am going to die alone. This scares the shit out of me. The past two weeks I have been searching myself wondering why the f I am single still at 27. What is even more scarier my friend was doing my hair and found 2 grey hairs. I am not talkin' little baby hairs, I am talking full blown curly ass grey hairs. FML....for realz. Here is a list of reasons why I am probably single....

• I would rather talk to my besticle for 3 hours at night than have to talk to a new boyfriend getting to know one another over late night conversations.
  
• I am usually sleeping by 9pm because I took some form of sleep meds.
• I am still holding onto the fact that sometime down the line maybe my ex boyfriend (we broke up 5 years ago) from college will get back together with me, in all his 30 seconds of glory.
• I would rather sit in my basement bar doing shots with friends and then sliding down my basement stairs on our asses.
• I have more fun on a friday night getting wasted with my guy cousins while playing rock-band then having to get dressed up and go out on a date.
• I have been known to make a complete ass out of myself at karaoke...sad part is when I am rocking it, I am really sounding like goats doing the dirt nasty.
• I once broke up with a guy because he wore sneakers with khakis.
  
• When I get drunk I still text ex boyfriends that I want to have nothing to do with me to see if they will respond.
• During the summer I would rather go to my family's beach house and go fishing with my cousins and uncle than go to the hip, younger beaches and meet a man.
• Lastly, (I mean there are many many more reasons I just cant think of them right now because I hung out with MJ) I would rather throw an 80's themed birthday party then a civilized sit down dinner with close friends.

So my last bullet I mentioned I had an 80s themed party for my bday. It was out of control. All we were missing was beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show. I found the most hideous 80s prom dress I could find. I spend $65.00 on it from EBAY, and it was worth every penny. I cant really remember the night, however here are some pictures I thought you would all enjoy...

I do not even know what to say to this, other than Mr. Gold Lamay pants...that was his 3rd costume change....


This is the ex from college...I took this handsome thing to bed...where is my life going?


My cousin and I....FML




Sweet dirt stache....do you sit at the park and watch young children play?


Roommates doing the...running man?


How did the foundation to the house not fall down?



Anyone notice my lee-press on nail in mid air as it flied off my finger?



Conga line...for realz?



Nice shorts



Dirty Sanchez himself...




So by the end of the night everyone was ripping their clothes or cutting them with scissors. The next morning there were just shards of clothing in every inch of my house. So these little gems are just a taste of what went down. Are these pictures a glimpse into why the fuck I am still single and living with my two male cousins? Thoughts/Feelings?

I ain't tryin' to hear that noise...

So this weather blows. It has been raining for 7 days straight and it be bringin' me down. Not to mention its going to be a a full moon. Not only have both of these factors been messin' with my positive energy, its making my students and their parents full blown assholes. Now correct me if I am wrong, but if a student is prescribed medication why wouldn't you give it to them as DIRECTED? I have a parent that gives her child medication when ever she feels like it. I am not a doctor here but cant the intake of medication erratically lead to nowhere good. I mean I know from experience that when a medication is prescribed you bet your ass you are suppose to follow those guidelines. I have to feel bad for my student because the medication he is taking is an anti-psychotic medication. I am going to go out on a limb here and go with the notion that if you are on any form of anti-psychotic medication you should really be taking it as the bottled explains. This child is a walking time bomb. I sat next to this little asshole, didnt even look at me and he lunged at me head-butting, pinching and trying to bite me. We are not talking a little 12 year old either. I am talking about 180 12yr old. WAY BIGGER than me. It really puts a damper in your day when your classroom is like a battle zone. So listen mama, I aint tryin' to here your kids noise so give him his meds as directed....

I have not been in the mood for anything lately. Going to work seems like a short term prison sentence I have to repeat everyday. Spring has sprung but dang mother nature is actin' like a jew with her sunshine. Im over it. It really better start getting nicer or else I am going to end up in jail a number of anger-related crimes. Has anyone else been feeling this way? It also could be the fact I am turning 27 in exactly one week. What do I have to show for it? I am still single, live with my two male cousins, all my friends are getting engaged or in serious relationships and I am still trying to re-live my college days by getting stoned and throwing an 80s themed birthday party. If anyone out there feels the same way, let me ask you another question. When you read peoples facebook status that refer to every fucking minuted of their childs life or how much they love their husband....does it make you wan to punch a disabled person? There is this one girl who I went to high school with. Every 5 minutes she is updating her facebook status with tidbits about what her 2month old is going. Here are some actual examples:

"I am sooo in love with my son's cuteness today!!!!! Tearing myself away fro the little man to get my nails done--- leave me love or cell it :)"

"Brady's first night in his crib in his nursery.... my little man is 2 months and the time is flying by! :("

"watching the hubby and brady snuggled in bed sleeping while watching Cocktail :)"
"
"another night........... i'm over it..... hoping the little man lets his mommy sleep in for a bit!"

Doesnt this shit make you want to hurt small animals? I mean I probably check facebook status on my blackberry more than I should but for realz, every fucking 5 mintues with this shit! Are me and my friend the only ones that are angered by this?! First of all I would never, EVER do this shit when/if I have children. This saturday night, while "Brady" was keeping mommy up all night, I was piss drunk doing shots at the bar in my basement sliding down the stairs on my ass for fun. I dont know but my night seems like a lot more fun than hers.

Once again; I aint' tryin' to hear that NOISE!


Thoughts/Feelings?

To the left..to the left

I have to apologize for my absence the past few weeks. Blame in on the p-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-t-t-t-t-t-t. Yes, I re-kindled my love affair with the sticky icky, my beloved friend Mary Jane. I had broken up with Mary a few years ago. I sat her down, with tears in my eyes I told her "To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left". As you could imagine she didn't take it to well. She became angry with me and yelled at me standing in my front yard telling me how I'm such a fool. But she just couldn't understand that I had to sever our relationship, it was time to get a-stepping. I even made her a collage of all the fun times we had together in college and mix tapes to remember our "rides" together. As I watched Ms. Mary Jane from the window hittin' the road, she turned and looked at me with a clenched fist and yelled "YOU'LL BE BACK!!!". Yeah right I thought to myself, Immmaaa do me, Immmaa do me Mary Jane!

Well it turns out my 5 year hiatus has come to an end. Living with my cousins has reintroduced me to the game. I couldn't help it, Mary just called out to me and everything I did to fight her off went to shit. She broke me, beat me down. Now I lay here with Mary all up in my head. So you can blame her for me not writing lately. Instead of writing something funny and witty about my shit-filled day, I have been tag-teaming Ms. Mary with my cousins and then playing rock band like a fucking high school student. I actually celebrated 420 at 4:20 for the first time in 5 years. I felt dirty and alive at the same time. I am, however not trying to let Mary Jane run my life as much as she did in college. In college Mary Jane and I spent 90% of the day together. I ran my entire daily schedule around her. But not this time. It is apparent that I need her in my life, but I am not going to allow her to run it like she has in the past. I am going to wear the pants in this relationship for the first time and I feel alive!

On a lighter note....
So we are having our first full blown party today. We invited over 200 people and only 35 responded. Isnt that a little douchey? I mean when you get a facebook invitation, isnt it common courtesy to respond whether or not you are coming. I thank all of the people that responded with a yes/no/maybe-so. But these douches that have no responded, wtf mate?! Is it that you are just to lazy? Are you trying to see if something better comes along that night (which it goddamn isnt), or going to show up w/out responded so we run out of food. Is anyone else with me on this one? How are is it to just sat "yes I am coming" or "No go f yourself, I would never come to your place". Anywhoooo, wish us luck that we a) do not burn the house down and b) I do not have to give out hand jobs to the local police department in order to not get arrested. Adios!

Loser...

Loser: slang. a misfit. someone who has never or seldom been successful at a job, personal relationship, etc.

Loser, that is exactly what my student called me the last day of work before spring break. He got all pissy because I would not allow him to watch Hannaha Montana aka slutbag Miley Cyrus youtube videos and sing along. I do not feel this warranted his little tantrum and the verbal abuse that ensued. Let me set the scene...

(Names have been changed)

Me: Listen, Timmy if you are going to stay on the computer you need a quiet mouth, no singing I am trying to read to Billy.

Timmy: Ahhhh come onnnnnnnnnnn. I willlllllllllllllll!

Me: Oh no you wont, sing one more time and you are off the computer.

(1 min goes by)

Timmy: ...."You get the best of both worlds mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds..."

Me: Ok enough, off the computer!

Timmy: Ahhhhhhhh commmmmmeeeeee onnnnn!!!!!

He proceeds to get up and under his breath say "Loser". He sits in his seat and begins to talk to himself. It is not very often that I am at a loss of words.

Me:What did you just say?!

Timmy: Nothing....

Now I am ice-grilling him and out of the corner of his rec-specs he says

Timmy: Loser.

Me: Is that appropriate! You cannot use that language when speaking to your teachers! That is it, no more computer for the rest of the day!!!

Timmy: I will be inappropriate! I willlllllllllllll go on the computer!

This bickering back and forth went on for a few minutes until I had to ignore and he finally piped down and started his work. I was so shocked by this. I mean I know he has no clue as to word means, he prob heard it on some BET youtube video he watched. But still I was kind of hurt. I mean I almost cried. HELLOO why did I let this kid get to me, I wasnt even PMS'ing! I felt like such an a-hole; I mean an autistic child just called me a loser and I am on the verge of tears! I later gave him another stern talking to with my angry teacher face. He then began crying and apologizing. I felt bad for about 5 seconds and then realized he called me a loser and I was way over it.

So that is how my last day of work ended before a week off from the craziness. Here I am, its Wednesday and I have not left my couch except to smoke a butt, pee and eat an occasional something. Maybe I am a loser. I mean I am 27 and have been for the better part of the day, worthless. Where is my life going? I haven't really been successful in any relationship with a boyfriend in, well forever. But then I think, well I would rather be doing this then elbow deep in baby shit trying to run a household. I havent been worthless all week. I still tutored and cleaned so you know what...FUCK YOU TIMMY! I hope it rained everyday in Orlando for your little family trip. Too far?

That is all for now, later betches!

Even the Autistic know Chris Brown is DOUCHE

So I am sitting at my desk this afternoon trying to get goals and objectives done for the next year and I overhear a conversation between my student (if you get lost you will end up naked in jail) and my assistant. My student was explaining to my assistant that Chris Brown beat Rhianna. Those were his exact words, "he beat her". He proceeds to say you cant hit people because then you will go to prison. Wow, prison. That is some hardcore shit. How the hell does he know the difference between jail and prison? I recently just learned the difference when my cousin did a stint in jail for overdosing himself on the date-rape drug and beating up an EMT. Jail = less than a year and Prison = more than a year. My student actually made me feel dumb today. But hey at least he knows Chris Brown is a fucknugget. Even an autistic child knows that hitting is wrong, so why not Chris Brown?

On a lighter, non douchebag note...

We are officially moved in. We spent our first weekend at the new house. I have already been referred to as the "electricity Nazi" because I run around behind everyone making sure they are shutting their fucking lights, tvs and computers off when they leave a room. Listen, I am not doing the public service man, SO LAY OFF ME!

We had our first get together on Saturday. It went from, lets just have a few people over to we should just get a keg! So we got a keg and beer pong was a-going. I feel like I am back in college. My two cousins and I are the first ones (out of the cool cousins) that have moved out. So its like a goddamn free-for-all. My cousin already had to buy me a new phone because he roundhouse kicked my phone out of my hand into my cup of beer while doing a dance move in my Tina turner gold lamay pants. These pants have become the biggest hit since cable tv. I have to say, I bet that is the most expensive roundhouse kick my cousin will ever do. It cost him 465.00 because of course 4 months prior to this I dropped my blackberry in a toilet and had to upgrade, extend my contract and sell my first born to not pay out my ass for a new one. Note to self: When Dano is dancing, keep phone and beer out of harms way (holly I know you will be laughing at that little joke). We have also come to another realization. We are functioning alcoholics. We were up at 8:30 as if we didnt finish a keg, a bottle of private stock captain Morgans and a bottle of jack. We had the house cleaned and on our way to breakfast by 9:30. New phone in hand by 11. If that isnt functioning alcoholicness then I dont know what is. I have to admit, I really love living with my cousins. We play jokes on each other, have started a rock band on Wii and have already gotten fall down drunk at our new place. Like I said above, the gold lamay pants were broken out by TWO of my cousins and it was pretty shiteous.

So for your viewing pleasure....

Gold Lamay Running Man

Fancy Shoes

You will end up naked in jail....

I know I have been absent for the last few weeks, and I apologize. Shits been hectic on this island with the move and whatnot. So before I get you all up to speed on this move-in debacle I will start off with a work story, so enjoy.

So the other day I am working with one of my students and we are going over "what to do when you are lost" or "if there is an emergency". So I went over the whole "look for a policeman or an adult if you a lost" thang and call 911 in case there is an emergency at home. So I am not reiterating what I just went through and my student is giving me all the right answers. Awesome I thought. So I continue to say to him "you want to always stay by your dad or Arita (his nanny) because you do not want to get lost". He responds "Yeah because if you get lost you could end up naked in jail". Um what, come again? Did I just hear what I think I just heard? I said, "Ah what did you just say". He responds again "I don't want to get lost because I don't want to be naked in jail". Well, I lost it at that moment. Hysterical laughing with tears. And he is just looking at me with a smile and a facial expression of "I-have-no-idea-why-your-laughing-but-im-just-gonna-smile-because-at-least-your-not-telling-me-to-have-a-quiet-mouth-and-stop-farting". I mean what in gods name did this child's father say to him. Did his father actually tell him that if he were to get lost he could end up in jail naked. I mean who says that to a 14yr old autistic child. He might as well said, "yeah, you get lost and then next thing you know your naked in jail giving hand-jobs to Tyrone your new daddy". I mean for realz!

Ok enough of work. The past two weeks have been filled with packing, re-doing our new place, shopping, and getting my mother stoned. Yes, you read that correctly. My dad, I will call chief, took my younger sister and his mother down to Virginia for a long weekend. My mother took this opportunity to really let her hair down. So my cousins and a friend of mine were having a few drinks at my house before we were going to go to dinner. My mother had plans of her own so she was all dolled up and ready to go. As she was leaving she turns to us and says "If you guys got any pot you better give it up tonight". Really mom? So we go to dinner, the 4 of us and polish off 4 bottles of wine (plus the 2 we drank before we left) and met my mom and her friend at this restaurant bar. Now let me explain something to you, my mother does not drink at all. So basically she was her friends DD. So we show up and she proceeds to buy us a few rounds of drinks and made us listen to this jackass sing cover songs. Finally we were like we cant take this shit anymore, this guy thinks is 1984 and his shitty camaro is still legit. We get home and mommy dearest starts salivating for the ganja like Pavlov's dogs. I roll up a joint and we start smoking. This is when my mom informs us that she "is a two-hit tilly". Which after two hits, she in fact is wrecked. She went from hysterical laughing, to crying to "who wants snack!". Later that not we got my cousin, soon to be roommate, to put my dads uniform pants on. Now my dad is 5'6 220lbs, my cousin is 6'3 320lbs. Oh and then I felt it necessary for him to put on my gold lamay tina turner pants. I actually peed in my pants a little. I would post the pictures but I am afraid my cousin will shave my eyebrows off in the middle of the night, hey payback can be a bitch.

The next night my two cousins, my mother and her sister (my aunt duh) and I went shopping for house stuff and couches. So we all pile in my cousin jeep Cherokee and head to bed bath and beyond and the Christmas tree shop (hey we are on a budget bitch!). So we spend 2hours at these two stores and get a bunch of shit. We all walk to the car and it hits us all at one time. How the fuck are we all going to fit with in this car with packages. I had to sit with a 24piece comforter set in between my legs, my mother had a broom in her temple, my cousin had our cookie sheets on his lap and my cousin had to turn the wheel with one finger. Oh and not to mention we had a ironing board bungeed to the roof of the car. We really thought this one through. It literally looked like a clown car. We were so embarrassed pulling up to Bobs to buy couches we parked as far away from the door as we could.

So the move in countdown is down to single digits. Sunday I send my cousins to target to buy mixing bowls. I should have known they were going to get stoned and do the exact opposite. Instead they decided to go to goodwill and see what they had to offer. It's not like we are poor so I have no idea how they stumbled on a goodwill. These jackasses come back with a sign that says "and they lived happily ever after", one sterling silver candle stick holder, 1,000 push pins, a hideous decorative plate, an African fertility stature, a clock, and a mini lamp. Did I mention they were gone for 2hours. What the fuck are we going to do with an African fertility stature? I should rephrase that, WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT AN AFRICAN FERTILITY STATUE. So that's what we are working with folks, African fertility statues and sign that says "and they lived happily ever after".

The house is really coming a long. Thank god for my parents. I would still be standing in my bedroom wondering how to paint. My parents did all the painting, my dad ripped down wallpaper in my bathroom, sheet-rocked, spackled, painted. I literally owe my parents my life with all the help they have given me. My mom keeps buying me everything I need and then tells me "don't tell your father what I am spending, he will kill me". So if my parents ever read this THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! But still, call before you come.

And remember kids, be careful and stay close to your parents when in the community. You wouldnt want to get lost; you could end up naked in jail.

April 1st...

Well folks, its set in stone. I officially have signed a lease and move in day is set for April 1st. Im going to go ahead and do something nice for my loyal followers; I am going paint a picture of what my next year is going to look like.

Ok everyone close your eyes and picture it:

Cousin #1:
Cousin #1 is a chubby (im being polite because I know he is going to read this) bald Italian who owns a waste management company (no we are not in the mob, or at least I dont think we are). He enjoys french dips at 8am, drinks coors light by the gallons, like to dabble in the reefer, red wine makes him red and sweaty and has been known to be coaxed into a dress from time to time. Oh did I mention he tends to pass out drunk and we write on him? Besides his best qualities, I love him like a brother. He is one of the most loyal people I know and he would scissor kick any boy that has wronged me. My custicle, as I call him, is also very neat and clean. I cannot wait for him to go away for the weekend and rearrange his bedroom and all his mack truck figurines. He has also tried to mouth kiss one of my best friends numerous times, and every time he attempts, she replies "That is not acceptable". Needless to say, custicle #1 is a bad mamajama.

Cousin #2:
Ahh where do I begin. He has been mistaken for an Arab on an airplane because he was so tan and had a full beard with aviators. I have to admit this was post-911 so it is what it is. He has fucked 90% of my friends and has saved my life when I was 4 years old. He is a stoned 99% of the day and has done more drugs then I can even begin to think of. For example; on lease-signing-day, he was so stoned, even his mother (our realtor) called him, and I quote, "A stupid-fucking-stoned-asshole". He is the messiest kid I know and smokes 3 packs of camel lights a day. He has been known to throw on my 7 sizes to small high heels and step-bump his way down the dance floor. Oh did I mention he saw central booking? When ever he is chatting it up with a girl he has his eye on at the bar, I walk over...he introduces me and I immediately tell this little side dish he is gay...he then proceeds to go along with it. Now that is family.

Me: Well, I drink way to much. I do the worm, sing karaoke and curse at inappropriate times. My anxiety level is always at a 10. I live on xananx and Tylenol pm. I am very neurotic about cleanliness and Im pretty sure I will get burned on by our fireplace at some point. I have already been in charge of sending the checks out for our bills. We have decided to have a joint checking account as to which to send our bills out. I am pretty sure everyone at the bank thinks my two cousins are lovers and I am pregnant with their love child. I'm cool with that, I mean how funny is that. I wonder who the guy thinks is the bottom and who is the top?!?!

So as I was saying April 1st is move in day. We are taking all donations of kitchen supplies, painters, carpet cleaners, house cleaners, and landscapers. My cousins will get you high or I am willing to give hand jobs for free kitchen utensils. You decide. So please, wish us luck. Our parents are all against us doing this, apparently they think we have down syndrome and cannot survive without them telling us to clean our rooms or put our laundry away. Oh and our parties are going to be off the hoooook. Already have an 80s party planned for my bday in may. YEAHHHH


Our place what what!