Things you thought you'd never say at work

Its funny, at work I catch myself saying things to my students and I think "Really, is this my life". Ive had an interesting few years being a special education teacher. Some of the shit I have to say to my students is so ridiculous I just have to share them. So, here are things I would have never imagined I would have to say at a job:

"We cannot peak at our friends while they go to the bathroom, Do you want the police to come"

"Do we pick our nose and eat it in this classroom?!"

"We don't touch ourselves there in school, thats home stuff" (In reference to my student masturbating at his desk"

"It is not appropriate to scream SPERM WHALE in Mcdonalds"

"We do poopies in the potty not in our pants"

"You cant eat your poop!"

"We cannot kiss random pieces of garbage we find on the ground!"

"What did I tell you about stealing your fathers car keys and wallet!"

"You cannot steal food from other people in a restaurant!"

"We dont hug or kiss our friends, we shake hands"

"Do we speak to our teachers like that ?" (After my student asked me if I liked 'b'-enis (penis), jager and cigerettes)"

"You take your shoe off one more time I am taking home"

"If you dont get off the computer I am throwing it out the window"

"You cant take your pants off halfway down the hallway! You go into the bathroom stall and take your pants off!"

"Mommy told me you spray painted "South Park DVD" on the walls, do you think that was appropriate?"

"You cannot hit your mother because she met you at the bus, do you want the police to come!?"

"Use you words"

"You need a quiet mouth and hands"

"You cant eat food off the floor!"

"Farting is bathroom stuff!"

"Stop! You cannot drink out of the toilet bowl like your cat does!"

"Tell your mother you need to take a shower tonight"

"Ok here is the toilet paper, WIPE, now let me see it"

"Ok do poopies, push...look at my face push" (As I make a constipated face as if I am shitting my pants)

"Do you want to earn the good-boy hat?"

"You cant do that, what is wrong with you!" (Uhh duhh they have Autism!)

These are just a few off the top of my head