You will end up naked in jail....

I know I have been absent for the last few weeks, and I apologize. Shits been hectic on this island with the move and whatnot. So before I get you all up to speed on this move-in debacle I will start off with a work story, so enjoy.

So the other day I am working with one of my students and we are going over "what to do when you are lost" or "if there is an emergency". So I went over the whole "look for a policeman or an adult if you a lost" thang and call 911 in case there is an emergency at home. So I am not reiterating what I just went through and my student is giving me all the right answers. Awesome I thought. So I continue to say to him "you want to always stay by your dad or Arita (his nanny) because you do not want to get lost". He responds "Yeah because if you get lost you could end up naked in jail". Um what, come again? Did I just hear what I think I just heard? I said, "Ah what did you just say". He responds again "I don't want to get lost because I don't want to be naked in jail". Well, I lost it at that moment. Hysterical laughing with tears. And he is just looking at me with a smile and a facial expression of "I-have-no-idea-why-your-laughing-but-im-just-gonna-smile-because-at-least-your-not-telling-me-to-have-a-quiet-mouth-and-stop-farting". I mean what in gods name did this child's father say to him. Did his father actually tell him that if he were to get lost he could end up in jail naked. I mean who says that to a 14yr old autistic child. He might as well said, "yeah, you get lost and then next thing you know your naked in jail giving hand-jobs to Tyrone your new daddy". I mean for realz!

Ok enough of work. The past two weeks have been filled with packing, re-doing our new place, shopping, and getting my mother stoned. Yes, you read that correctly. My dad, I will call chief, took my younger sister and his mother down to Virginia for a long weekend. My mother took this opportunity to really let her hair down. So my cousins and a friend of mine were having a few drinks at my house before we were going to go to dinner. My mother had plans of her own so she was all dolled up and ready to go. As she was leaving she turns to us and says "If you guys got any pot you better give it up tonight". Really mom? So we go to dinner, the 4 of us and polish off 4 bottles of wine (plus the 2 we drank before we left) and met my mom and her friend at this restaurant bar. Now let me explain something to you, my mother does not drink at all. So basically she was her friends DD. So we show up and she proceeds to buy us a few rounds of drinks and made us listen to this jackass sing cover songs. Finally we were like we cant take this shit anymore, this guy thinks is 1984 and his shitty camaro is still legit. We get home and mommy dearest starts salivating for the ganja like Pavlov's dogs. I roll up a joint and we start smoking. This is when my mom informs us that she "is a two-hit tilly". Which after two hits, she in fact is wrecked. She went from hysterical laughing, to crying to "who wants snack!". Later that not we got my cousin, soon to be roommate, to put my dads uniform pants on. Now my dad is 5'6 220lbs, my cousin is 6'3 320lbs. Oh and then I felt it necessary for him to put on my gold lamay tina turner pants. I actually peed in my pants a little. I would post the pictures but I am afraid my cousin will shave my eyebrows off in the middle of the night, hey payback can be a bitch.

The next night my two cousins, my mother and her sister (my aunt duh) and I went shopping for house stuff and couches. So we all pile in my cousin jeep Cherokee and head to bed bath and beyond and the Christmas tree shop (hey we are on a budget bitch!). So we spend 2hours at these two stores and get a bunch of shit. We all walk to the car and it hits us all at one time. How the fuck are we all going to fit with in this car with packages. I had to sit with a 24piece comforter set in between my legs, my mother had a broom in her temple, my cousin had our cookie sheets on his lap and my cousin had to turn the wheel with one finger. Oh and not to mention we had a ironing board bungeed to the roof of the car. We really thought this one through. It literally looked like a clown car. We were so embarrassed pulling up to Bobs to buy couches we parked as far away from the door as we could.

So the move in countdown is down to single digits. Sunday I send my cousins to target to buy mixing bowls. I should have known they were going to get stoned and do the exact opposite. Instead they decided to go to goodwill and see what they had to offer. It's not like we are poor so I have no idea how they stumbled on a goodwill. These jackasses come back with a sign that says "and they lived happily ever after", one sterling silver candle stick holder, 1,000 push pins, a hideous decorative plate, an African fertility stature, a clock, and a mini lamp. Did I mention they were gone for 2hours. What the fuck are we going to do with an African fertility stature? I should rephrase that, WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT AN AFRICAN FERTILITY STATUE. So that's what we are working with folks, African fertility statues and sign that says "and they lived happily ever after".

The house is really coming a long. Thank god for my parents. I would still be standing in my bedroom wondering how to paint. My parents did all the painting, my dad ripped down wallpaper in my bathroom, sheet-rocked, spackled, painted. I literally owe my parents my life with all the help they have given me. My mom keeps buying me everything I need and then tells me "don't tell your father what I am spending, he will kill me". So if my parents ever read this THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! But still, call before you come.

And remember kids, be careful and stay close to your parents when in the community. You wouldnt want to get lost; you could end up naked in jail.