Dear Only Male Coworker....

Dear Only Male Co-worker:

Hi, its me room 21, across the hall from you. Listen I know it must be tough working with all woman and then going home to a wife who makes more than you. I know it must really scull-fuck your manhood. There are a few issues I have with you and feel that you need to be made aware of them so you can better yourself in your future with working with woman.

1. When you use the only staff bathroom, it is really uncool to leave the seat up, piss on the floor/seat and leave pubes all around the seat. It really is not a pretty sight to see. Is it that hard to get your pee into the toilet and trim your ball hair? I mean 45% of our students can get their pee in the toilet, so why cant you? And are you ripping your pubes off and laying them on the seat on purpose? If so, would you like to talk about?

2. When exiting the bathroom, lets remember to check our zipper. I am sick of talking to you and starring at your dick because your fly is open. Its not that I am interested in you whatsoever, but when I see someones fly open, its all I can look at.

3. Close-talking is not acceptable. Yes it was funny in the Seinfeld episode, but in real life it is scary and I dont like you spitting on me. So please back that ass up when speaking with me.

4. When in a discussion, whether it be a teacher planning meeting or just casual conversation you do not need to throw in the tidbit of how you go to the gym everyday. We got it the first time you told us. I, unlike our students, have a functioning memory. It is not necessary to keep reminding us that you like to pump iron. Your one-size-smaller-than-it-needs-to-be-shirt is evidence enough that you are able to make it to the gym.

5. We need to remember to hydrate. When we have lack of hydration...white shit collects on the corners of your mouth. It is really nast and once again, my eyes are drawn to it. So no I am not starring at you in admiration. NO Im starring that the crust that has formed in the corners of your mouth as if you were a rabid dog foaming at the mouth. Please take care of this.

I know that I may have been harsh with you and I am sorry for that. However I we really need to take care of these issues. If you need help in any areas, please do not hesitate to ask for my help.

Sincerly,
The only cool, young and beautifal teacher at your place of employment