I got to my classroom and got right down to business, trying to push the fact that today had a recipe for disaster. My other assistant showed up, late as usual. She is pregnant so I give her some slack. It was now 9am, students were arriving. No sign of the substitute. "God, are you there...its me, Jen. It would be really cool if that sub didn't show up today." No sooner did I speak to God, did my supervisor explain to me the sub was trying to find parking and would be here momentarily. Awesome, thanks God...I owe you one. The students began trickling in, their outfits, which I was worried about as well, were actually pretty normal. But then he came in. My student who is the youngest of 13 children. I assume his mother his pretty exhausted after giving birth to 13 children to give a fuck what this kid wears to school. From what I am told he dresses himself. Now when I tell you he dresses himself this is what I mean: He usually has on his mothers leopard silk underwear, pajama pants and a pair of jeans. On top he has on usually a baby doll t-shirt with four other shirts and then a sweatshirt. Oh and sometimes, for added flair, a handkerchief around his neck. I guess he is in some kind of autistic gang I don't know about. So anywho, he walks in with this godforsaken outfit. I quickly stripped him down to one of the shirts that were a little more age appropriate and attempted to comb his hair. I battled that hair, I fought it with all the strength of my wrist...but it still stood straight up. One of the many battles I would lose today. Fast forward, my classes name is called over the walkie-talkie (yes we have walkie-talkies) "Room 21 pictures in 5 min". So we wait the 5 minutes and we walk down. We are asked to wait in line (which is very excruciating for regular students, let alone autistic students). I can tell my student is getting upset so I start giving him squeezes. He loves it, he is giggling, laughing and asking for more squeezes. Finally, what felt like 4857 hours, we were lead into the room where the pictures would be taken. We all sit down in a row and the student, I will call him Jaws, began to get upset. So for the class picture I stood behind him and kept giving him squeezes. He calmed down for 32 seconds. We decided to let Jaws get his pictures taken first because, as it just so happens he was going to the doctor to, as my father likes to call it "get a check-up, from the neck up". So we took him straight to the area designated for the personal photos. This is where my day went downhill. I guess he wasn't down with the flashing of the bulbs and he flipped a shit. He jumped out of the chair and ran at me. Pinching and head-butting me. Now this child is not little 12 year old. He is about 180 lbs and taller than me. I finally get him into the hallway and he FUCKING LOOSES IT. I mean looses it. He goes after me and we both fall to the ground, I quickly scramble and attempt to get him into a restraint. Well since I dont have the "retard" strength my students do he flipped me over and bit my arm. He chomped down. As this is all going down, my supervisor, Principal and coordinator are all watching. Finally my supervisor sees he is latched down on my arm she grabs his arm. I follow protocol: push arm into bite and pinch students nose. This causes the student to not be able to breathe which then makes the student let go for the the bite. Well this only made him madder and bite down harder. FINALLY he let go and I was able to grab his arms and start squeezing to calm him down. I looked up at my principal and said "Oh I just love picture day". Do you know what she did, she motioned for me to "shut the fuck up" by putting her index finger over her mouth. She gave me the international "quiet mouth" sign. I think my blood-pressure rose to 456.
So we calm him down and 20 min later his grandma is there to pick him up. Thank god, smell ya later Jaws. But my day didn't end there. Now I had to deal with this incompetent sub. My other assistant is a strict christian and doesn't talk shit on anyone. All she kept saying to me was "your doing a good job jen". If my other assistant was there we would have been dropping more f-bombs than we dropped bombs over Baghdad (sing it with me...bombs over baghdadddddd). I was able to make it through the day without strangling this woman, I was very proud of myself to say the least. At 2:30 I was reminded of a teacher planning meeting we had. I am usually not happy for these meetings because they are boring and pointless. This time I jumped at the idea to get out of my classroom 30 min early and just shit there in a vegetative state. When we all finally arrived at the meeting my supervisor starts with this "I have some exciting news! I ordered recorders for the kids and I have chosen 5 kids I feel would be able to learn how to play them!". REALLY, the fucking recorder. I just started hysterical laughing. My supervisor gave me a look like "wtf is wrong with you?". I wanted to shake her and say, "Shouldn't we be teaching them how to write their fucking name! I cant even play the fucking recorder! I am a 4th grade band drop-out!".
So that is how my day was. I have a nice indentation of my students mouth on my inside forearm. I should make a mold out of it for his dental records. And at some point between now and June I will be teaching my student to play the recorder. FUCK MY LIFE!
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