I can handle Puke...

I think this may be the only time I ever wished I had Jenna Jameson's gag reflexes. I can handle puke, I have been holding my friends hair back since 97'...hell I have even cleaned up my friends/cousins booze filled puke. I've held my students head in garbage cans while they puked. Puke I can do, its shit I cannot deal with. This past year I have had to deal with more shit-infested pants then I have had to in all the years I have been teaching.


Example 1: My first day at my new school. Not familiar with any of my students whatsoever. Student comes off the tard bus with a shit-eating grin...literally. I was so happy that the one student I was warned about was so happy and giggling on his first day that I thought to myself, "what are these people talking about, this is going to be a breeze". I should have checked myself before I wrecked myself. No sooner did I say that to myself that I smelled a funky ass smell coming from this happy autistic child. He shit his pants...im not talking about little dingle berries. I am talking about full on i just ate burger-king-shit-after-binge-drinking-shit. You know the type of load I am talking about. So we went through the whole "where do we do poopies" schpeel. I told him to pull down his pants and sit on the toilet. As soon as I actually saw what I was working with I started gagging like a high school cheerleader giving her first BJ. It didn't help that another student in another class had shit his pants as well. You will never guess what happened next, HE TOOK A LITTLE BIT ON HIS FINGER AND ATE IT!!!! I was dumbfounded. How that be his first reaction. What the fuck was he thinking, like hmmm this smells horrible but I bet it tastes good!!! So now picture this if you will, I am trying to clean my 230lb 12yr olds ass, all while hysterical laughing, puking and crying at the same time. We then brushed his teeth and clumps, literally clumps of shit was sticking to the toothbrush. Yep I vomited again. Little did I know that this was going to be an every Monday occurrence. Ohhh

Example 2: Now I always feel sorry when a parent sends their student in sick. I understand that it is a pain in the ass to have your child stay home, but have a little courtesy for the staff members that are going to have to deal with this child all day; or AT LEAST give a little fair warning. This student in particular has gas issues. So when he said "Ohhh I farrrrrtttteeeeddd" I didn't think anything of it and responded for the 94856409568 time "that is bathroom stuff, either go in the hall or go to the bathroom if you have to do that". Seconds later I heard "Ooohhhfarrrrtttteeeeddd". I just happened to be standing near this particular student and noticed his rear was wet. We marched down to the bathroom and to my surprise he had diarrhea in his undies. Good thing I am a veteran teacher and demand each parent send in at least two pairs of underwear and changes of clothes. This poor kid sat on the toilet and I shit his brains out. I mean SHIT his brains out. It was horrible, I felt so bad but yet again I was vomiting in the garbage can with rubber gloves smeared with shit. So we cleaned him up and called his dad to come get him. Not 4 minutes later the kid shit his pants AGAIN. I am taking drip down your leg diarrhea. It was at that moment that I wished we had a hose so I could hose his ass down outside. It was all over his shoes, toilet, floor, etc. So as my assistant and I tried cleaning up I was yet again vomiting my brains out. I begged my supervisor to just let him sit on the toilet until his father arrived with an Imodium and to take him the hell out of here. Well my supervisor, the smart one she is, told me to change him and send him to art. He literally walked into the art room and shit again. And once again I was vomiting. I didn't eat for two days after that...sweet diet plan huh.

Example 3 (I promise its my last one): Today I had to tutor my student I see 3 days a week. Wed are home days where we work on showering, hygiene, food prep, etc. So we he did everything nicely and we sat down to do a puzzle. Oh did I mention he only speaks Hebrew and the housekeeper only speaks Spanish and Hebrew...I only speak English, so you can imagine the clusterfuck of commotion that goes on. So my student is being so sweet, hugging me, kissing me and doing his work like a good little boy. Then it happens, he farts. I yell go to the bathroom. He stands up, looks at me and smiles and shits his pants. This little fucker had the nerve to stop what he was doing, give me a little "IM going to ruin your day because I am shitting my pants look" and let it rip. I somehow manage to get him into the bathroom to actually see the damage his ass had created. A while pile of diarrhea mud in his pants. My face was literally inches from it as he sat on the toilet and I tried to get at least his pants off. Can you guess what happened next? My eyes started to water and I started to gag. And I puked up the entire coffee I had just downed like it was my last hit of meth. So that is how my workday ended today. It gives new meaning to the saying "I had such a shitty day at work today...", because I literally had a shitty day at work today.

So the next time you want to bitch about how your job sucks, wahhh I am stuck in an office all day wahhh wahh. At least your co workers do not shit themselves and you are forced to clean it up. I apologize for how graphic this post was, but deal with it...at least you didn't deal with it first hand!
lucky me. I